A Word from the OP Social Distancer

By: Ethan Jasny (Grade 11)

***Disclaimer: The editors do not advise following through on any of the actions suggested by the author. 

About a month ago, when social distancing orders started going into effect, my life changed forever. Instead of my usual routine of staying at friends’ houses until late and attending weekly parties, I was thrust into a world where my only forms of entertainment were doing homework and watching Netflix. Worst of all, my regiment of regular intensive exercise came to a standstill. How could I maintain my perfect physical specimen? How could I survive the next few months?

This is what I imagine many people thought after COVID-19 quarantine began. In actuality, I am well trained in the art of social distancing — I have been doing it all my life. I am, as you Redditors might say, the OP social distancer. And so when lockdown began, I revelled in my sudden social superiority. For once, I was the master of social interaction. Of course, this form of social interaction is characterized by no social interaction at all, but it was still a great accomplishment. When people would text me saying that social distancing was so hard and that they would never be able to do it for long, I responded by commenting that it was pretty status quo for me. 

However, things started to change when others began getting the hang of social distancing. Soon, everyone was talking about how they had mastered the art of isolation and found lots of great hobbies to do during all of their free time. Others were finally understanding the joys of staying inside and being alone. My monopoly on social distancing was gone and my status as the number-one distancer was waning. 

You are all improving at your social distancing, and I understand that what must come is inevitable. There is only one solution to this. Everyone, please: get off the bandwagon! This is my thing! You all think that you’re good social distancers because you’ve been doing it for a few weeks? Please. Seriously, stop breaking my stride. I implore you, for the sake of protecting my rightful place at the top of the social distancing hierarchy, go outside! Shake some hands! Meet in large groups! Go back to school! Travel around the world! Visit your grandparents! Sneeze into your hands! Just stop being antisocial — that’s my thing.