The New ‘Bitcoin’ or Oppressive Government Policy? Analysts Offer Perspectives on ‘House Points’ Trend

By: Ethan Jasny (Grade 11)

NEW YORK (AP)  — Markets were rocked this week with news that the ‘House Point’ bubble was on the rise and seemingly attracting new investors. The currency, which is traded in shares of five, has shown great usage among the 5-12 age cohort. Some are speculating that House Points could have a similar boom as previously seen with Bitcoin. Six year-old House Point investor, Melissa, commented on the growth of the currency, saying, “House Points!!! Where are they! Give me House Points now!” 

But other investors aren’t so sure. Economics student, Arthur, explained that many more seasoned investors are staying away from trading the currency. “It’s really lost interest among older investors,” he said. “The youngins will get very excited about these things, but eventually they’ll move on.”

Others worry that the government is printing off House Points at an unsustainable rate. An Afterschool Care volunteer, who wishes to remain an anonymous whistleblower, recalls seeing stacks upon stacks of blank House Points. Even more disturbing: the House Points were allegedly given out freely to students who displayed obedient behaviour such as “listening quietly,” “helping a state official,” or “holding the door.” Some speculate that the government is using House Points to squash out any dissent among the younger, less-educated population.

Comparative Government student, Emma, pointed out that similar policies designed to increase deference towards the government have been tried by Iran and Russia to varying degrees of success. English student, Kieran, compared the use of House Points to the draconian tactics of the Party in 1984. 

Pre-Calculus student, Annushka, explained how House Point trends can actually be mapped using sinusoidal equations. But the thought of sinusoidal equations made everyone sad, causing House Point stocks to plummet.